The column that will probably never be published

It's a long way from here to Ogden, Utah, just north of Salt Lake City,
and where I hang my fedora on more ordinary days. It's even longer to
Penn State University, where Uncle Dow (Jones Inc., you may have heard
of him) sent me to brush up on my editing skills so I could be of some
service to a community newspaper I'd never heard of, in a community
that is famed for its Renaissance revels (so to speak) even in my crag
of the canyon.

To mark the advent of my first column in the Daily Tidings, I'm
stepping over the edge. I'm coming out.

What I am about to confess would make people in my home state of Utah
look me up in down in shock and disbelief. When my mother reads this,
she will have to reconsider whether I am still part of the family.

I am a conservative.

It's fitting that I should come to this realization just three months
from my departure from the 18-to-25 demographic; it has always been a
category of left-leaners, and it is always said that the older and more
established people become, the more likely conservative views will push
aside young, idealist thoughts of some utopian, quasi-socialist
city-state. Usually, it's said with fewer four-clap words.

The reason it took me so long to come to this realization is that where
I come from, "conservative" means you wait for a word from the First
Presidency before walking into legislative sessions, protest at Pride
(we have a fabulous parade), and fear that any alcohol gracing your
lips will be repaid with guilt to your bishop and impure thoughts. Not
to make light of any of these.

Here, on the other hand, "liberal" means you chain yourself to trees,
protest naked in the park, and fear that any meat gracing your lips
will be repaid with tsks from your neighbors and toxins in your blood.
Not to make light of any of these.

And not to typecast whole populations, either. There is an amazing
diversity of thought in both places.

Still, before coming to Ashland, I had never been on the Second
Amendment side of a gun debate with a grandfather. I had never been
asked "But which kind of environmentalist are you?" And I had never
seen a downtown so compressed that the local sushi bar was also the
local nightclub.

Yes, I am indeed a conservative. I believe, within reason, in
local control of local issues, such as schools. I believe, within
reason, in taking care of the backyard of the nation — and those forced
to camp there because they don't have a room — before making excuses to
meddle with the rest of the world. I believe, within reason, that the
budget should be balanced and that Congress should not have a carte
blanche. I believe, within reason, that states should not cede the
rights of their residents to mandatory federal directives, and that big
government has its hands in too many pots. So to speak.

Now, my only problem is that there don't seem to be any conservatives
left — at least, not on the right.

In Ogden, Utah, I am too freaky to be saved. In Ashland, I am too
square to be hip. It's an identification with which I have no practice.

It should be an adventure.